Friday, January 30, 2009

The Master Cleanse

As I write this, I am just this side of death. I have crawled out of the house to take care of responsibilities today twice and crawled as quickly back to the couch as possible. This sad sad story is all due to THE MASTER CLEANSE, or as I'm calling it from now on, THAT DETOX THING THAT MADE ME REALLY SICK!

Per usual, when I heard that celebrities were doing "cleanses" I jumped on board without thinking, like I said, as I do with most things. If you want to follow in my not-so-fabulous-right-now footsteps here's what you do: 1) Spend $15 on the Master Cleanse book after looking for it in Barnes and Noble for thirty minutes, being too embarrassed to ask for it, then make your best friend get the twenty year old guy who works at B&N to find the book and tell you what a bad idea it is (note to self: do not underestimate the B & N employee's wisdom), 2) head straight to health food store and spend $35 on cayenne pepper, organic maple syrup, lemon juice, uniodized sea salt, and the value size container of herbal laxative (yes, that's what I said.), 3) proceed immediately home and take three herbal laxatives like the book says (container says to take one) and go to bed hungry, 4) wake up...use your imagination from here folks...drink a "salt water bath - quart of salt water and proceed...imagination again required, 5) feel weak and grumpy all day and drink lots of "lemonade" made with the maple syrup, cayenne pepper, and lemon juice (actually not that bad going in), 6) wake up next day weak, shaky, and unable to concentrate and head out of house, 7) think about McDonald's for an hour then purchase $15 of McD's breakfast, eat all within 30 minutes, and...use your imagination again.

I feel that there is way too much information in this post but I needed to get out in the Universe that clearly sanctioned anorexia is not for all people. I am going to embrace the fact that I am incredibly toxic on the inside, probably harbouring all sorts of destructive parasites, and that my internal PH is very acidic. I don't feel that acidic so it mustn't be that bad!

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Diva Alert, Diva Alert!

If you haven't heard, Patti Lupone is a hard-core diva. I knew that when she started her run in Gypsy on Broadway that Harvey Firestein would send her ridiculous back-stage presents (like a bouquet of cacti) to get her engines running which I think is hilarious but when she takes "it" out on the public, I have to call out the ridiculouslness. Please take the time to check out the following video. It KILLS me, one of the funniest things I've seen today! Also, please note the Juliard degree is in the field of DIVA...HA!

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Stacy Ferguson is NOT the Dutchess of York

If I were Sarah Ferguson, The Dutchess of York, ex-wife of Prince Andrew, I would be so horrified and possibly take legal action against the celebutard (in every sense of the word) Stacy Ferguson, i.e. Fergie, i.e. The Dutchess, for stealing my legally given aristocratic title and forcing me to be associating with such rubbish.

Stacy Ferguson is from the Black Eyed Peas, in case you didn't know. Still don't know? You may remember her as the singer who peed in her pants at a concert and continued singing. Oh the class. Sarah Ferguson on the other hand is a former princess, the actual Dutchess of York, and former best friend of Princess Diana...need I say more? I have been horrified by "Fergie" going by The Dutchess for so long now and I just can't understand how Sara Ferguson puts up with it. Fergie even has a song called "Fergilicious." That's not a word and it's not even a funny or cute made up one! It is just SO stupid I can barely force my fingers to fly across the keyboard as I write this. How embarassing for Sarah Ferguson, the real Dutchess. She is so classy and refined and Stacy Ferguson is, well, not.

Jeremy Piven is a Thermometer!

I'll admit I don't care who Jeremy Piven is or why he is appearing in my magazines but when you mess with Broadway, you mess with me too! The "official" story is that Piven had to leave the Broadway play Speed-the-Plow due to "shocking levels" of mercury in his system due to his sushi addiction. This is laughable on so many levels I don't know where to begin. Word on the street (which I find is usually correct) though is that before his Mercury OD he was bored with the show and looking for a replacement. So Jeremy Piven is not grateful for the Broadway show he gets to be a part of, is that it? He is so ridiculous! The main reason I'm writing about this silliness is a quote by the writer, David Mamet re: the Mercury "scare." "It is my understanding that he is leaving show business to pursue a career as a thermometer." I mightn't have ever heard anything so funny in my life. I have to see this play now, if it's filled with nuggets like this I'm sure to be laughing my butt off the entire time!