Monday, December 22, 2008

Turnaround...every now and then I get a little (less flakey)

Clinique has a Turnaround line of products that I am completely obsessed with. Turnaround Concentrate Visible Skin Renewer, Turnaround Body Smoothing Cream, Turnaround Instant Facial, and Turnaround Radiance Peel Once-a-Week System. I have used Turnaround Concentrate for over a year now and it is perfection. On the face it makes your skin feel like silk, the feeling is unreal and addictive. It has salicylic acid in it which is perfect for my oilier skin. I put this on after my three step in the morning and I rarely have to touch up my makeup during the day whereas before using this, I would have to use oil blotting sheets and pressed powder several times a day.

All the Turnaround products, save the peel, continuously exfoliate your skin, that's what gives the radiant look. These products, again save the peel, are great for all skin types. Continuous exfoliation keeps breakouts at bay, keeps flakies at bay, and gives the skin an amazing glowing look. The Instant Facial is replacing the Turnaround 15-minute facial, I guess 15 minutes was just too long to wait, and it mimics in-office microdermabrasion. This stuff is takes off any dead skin cell that every thought of being on your face; but surprisingly, not in a harsh way. The Instant Facial leaves your skin looking radiant (again!) and fresh, it's addictive too. The Body Smoother and Peel just came out. I haven't used the Peel yet but I hear it's perfect for those addicted to exfoliation, like me. It's a bit pricey at $55 but I'm going to use my Belk rewards dollars towards the kit after Christmas! Merry Christmas to me! The Body Smoother is so yummy. It's a blessing for feet but I also love it on my hands and arms at night. I can't wait until summer when short sleeves and sleeveless are more arms are going to be glowing!

Thanks Clinique for making me glow like a Cullen (without those nasty other "side-effects" required to glow like a Cullen!)

Friday, December 19, 2008

Rum Cake Disaster or Failed Southern Belle

It's my husbands birthday today and, for the second year running, he wanted a rum cake (FYI, do not use candles on Rum Cake!). Last years cake was a complete disaster. I followed the recipe exactly and ended up with a bundt cake with the better part of a bottle of liquor poured over it, completely disgusting, like taking shots of too moist cake, gross. But Husband loves me and ate it nonetheless. I don't think it was to make me feel better, I think he was drunk (from the cake...I made my husband drunk from cake!).

It's 2008, time to make a fresh start with the rum cake idea. Why, oh why can't he want a Funfetti cake with matching icing, that I can make?! I searched online for the best recipe and found one that had been reviewed 507 times with either 4 or 5 stars and every reviewer said it was the best cake they ever had...blah, blah, blah. "This will be the perfect run cake for my wonderful husband's birthday," I though. Ha, ha. We just ate it for dinner. My tongue is numb from the high alcohol content and I feel a little queasy. Just like last year I followed the recipe to a T, basically. I didn't have any vegetable oil so I used peanut oil. Bad idea. It tasted like what I would imagine a Thai rum cake tasting like...not good. Secondly, I didn't have butter for the glaze so I used margarine...again, bad idea. The glaze had no buttery flavor but, AGAIN DANG IT, it tasted like shooting rubbing alcohol.

Why can't I make a rum cake? If Scarlett O'hara can make one of the greatest dresses of all time out of stupid curtains I should be able to make a rum cake! What does this debacle say about me as a person, as a Southern Belle? Failure I'm afraid...this is v. depressing.

Eva Mendes Has Amazing Style, or Stylist More Likely)

Calvin Klein

Jenni Kayne

Calvin Klein

Michael Kors

Bill Blass

I'm not sure if I could name a movie or television show Eva Mendes has been in but I'll tell you where she has my fashion magazines! This girls got it going on. Her style is amazing and her stylist (I'm assuming) has recently picked out some of the most gorgeous red carpet dresses I have seen in a long time. How fortunate for Eva they all appear on her body! I find it very interesting that her stylist Estee Stanly is also the stylist for the Olsen twins, Demi Moore, Jessica Biel considering that most of them look trashy most of the time. Do I really have to go there with the Olsens? Yes, yes, homeless bag lady couture, we get it. No, seriously, we get it. It wasn't cute then, isn't cute now, but they occasionally pull off the upset gorgeous outfit, you can't deny they are gorgeous girls...the end. Jessica Biel on the other hand is incredibly unfortunate looking and seems to be the dress up doll for Stanley. Even with a great body and, I suppose some would say, hot boyfriend (JT), some people just aren't made for couture. She looks like Barbie trying to wear Chanel, it just doesn't work. Demi Moore, another homely specimen, does tend to pull it out on the red carpet but her casual "I'm married to Ashton Kutcher" look is horrid.

But way to go Estee've hit the nail on the head with Eva Mendez...keep the great looks coming!

Friday, December 5, 2008

Shoes Ugglier Than Uggs???

Is it possible? YES, I've found them unfortunately. Imagine this horror, a combination of fuzzy UGG-ish boots and CROCS...AAAHHH!! I am so horrified by these "shoes" (it hurts me to even legitimize these monstrosities by calling them shoes) that I, again, will have to let pictures speak louder than words. I've got to go throw up from looking at these pictures anyway.

Jessica Simpson Has Lost Her Ever Loving Mind

I know there are a lot of ways I could go with the title of this post, but I'm referring this time to her latest collection of shoes. I have formerly found some of her shoes to be fairly cute but the following examples I just can't tolerate. Seeing them in print is bad enough, I'm not sure what I would be forced to do should I encounter someone wearing them in person. Here are some of the worst offenders, pictures are worth a thousand words.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Eye Cream From Heaven!

OK, this is gross but I know I'm not the only one out there with this problem: sometimes my eyes get goopy. Yes, I said it, goopy. I am absolutely fabulous but I get goopy eyes...oh, the humanity! Let me explain lest you misinterpret my use of the word goopy. At first I thought it was certain eye shadow colors but I have determined it is not eyeshadow but mascara that leaves me with the goop. When I have the goopy eyes my lids and under eye area swells, turns red, and itches like I've put on a poison ivy eye mask. There is actual goop coming out of the eye as well, it's completely disgusting but fun if you want to scare people by making them think you have pink eye. The technical term is, surprisingly, not goopy eyes, but contact dermatitis, and it sucks. Some people can develop sensitivities to cosmetics, skin care products, or even laundry detergent from what I understand. From my own research it seem that people can develop contact dermatitis in reaction to almost anything. Mascara in my case. Despite my love for Clinique, I've got to call them out on this one. I have tried and tried to convince myself and my eyes that it is not Clinique mascara that is the culprit but there really is no question anymore. Whenever I wear a Clinique mascara, doesn't matter the kind: high intensity, high impact, lash doubling, long pretty lashes, I get the goop and it just doesn't happen with my Lancome mascaras. Thank you Lancome for not attempting to blind me!

However, it is Clinique eye cream that saves the day. Hmmm, maybe that's the plan, give you eye goop then make the best de-goopifier out there. The miracle I'm referring to is All About Eyes. All About Eyes addresses dark circles and puffiness and is SO soothing to my goopy eyes. I use it every day for the dark circles and puffiness issues but when I've got the goop it makes my upset eyes calm down like nothing else. Thank you Clinique for making my eyes swell then soothing them like a dope fiend who has just scored another, desperately needed, hit. In dire emergencies I have also resorted to Clinique's Urgent Relief Cream from the Redness Solutions line. It's dermatologist tested hydrocortisone cream, basically, but it helps "get the red out" when I've got the goop and don't have the luxury of hiding in my house all day. I figure if it is dermatologist tested it probably won't blind me...

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

The Best Nude Lips

I am a huge fan of a well done nude lip, a la Gweneth Paltrow and Jennifer Lopez. I recently purchased MAC's Adoring Carmine: 3 Neutral Lips set and I am totally in love! In the set are two gorgeous nude lipsticks in Soft Spot and Real Treasure and a mini Lipglass in My Dear. The biggest problem I've faced in my quest for the perfect nude lip is that all the ones I've tried (hundreds of liner/lipstick/gloss combos) over the years have always had too much color. They are either rosy or peach and I want a true nude. I have blond hair and incredibly fair skin and I was afraid the gig was up until I found these goodies from MAC. I also got a lip pencil in Oak which is incredibly perfect too! This is like finding the perfect black Gucci pumps or that sample sale where everything you want fits (HA!).

I do have some other recommendations for nude lips. I have not personally tried these but I have it on good authority they create a gorgeous lip also.

Lipsticks: Giorgio Armani Armani Silk No. 31, YSL Rouge Pur lipstick No. 132 in rosy beige, NARS Honolulu Honey, Stilla Emily, NARS Belle de Jour

Glosses: Clarins Instant Light Lip Perfector 02, Estee Lauder High Gloss in Ivory

Monday, December 1, 2008

Brandy/Moesha...Remember Her? Anyone? No, OK.

I hate to even legitimize this celebutard (does she even qualify anymore?) by writing about her but she gave an interview to US Weekly that killed me and I had to share!

Here's the background, in 2001 she got knocked up by her then boyfriend...seems pretty par for the course these days, but anyway she said that they had been secretly married in July of 2001 so this baby wasn't a bastard, it was completely convenient. On a side note, Brandy was 22 at the time, I know it's hard to believe but were not talking about the actions of a 16 year old here. She even did a "documentary" for MTV about the birth of her totally legitimate child called Brandy: A Special Delivery...HA! Turns out that the two were never married, she made it all up! She did say they had a "spiritual union," yes, you are right Brandy, that is the same thing. Wink, wink.

Here are some of my favorite moments from this riotously funny article. When asked what her reaction was when she found out she was pregnant she replied, "I was afraid of the's gonna hurt so bad!" Commenting on why she lied she lets everyone know how sorry she is, "truly, truly sorry - like, a little bit of tears now." I am less concerned that she was unmarried and pregnant and more concerned with the state of her grammar, how disturbing! She went on to add, "our relationship was very real, but we weren't just legally married." Apparently she hasn't dated in over three least her dating pool seems on to the fact that she is a mildly-retarded nut job! I am not making these things up, these are direct quotes from the article, I don't think I could make up such ridiculouness if I tried.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

News From the Land of I Think Way Too Highly of Myself

Rafaello Follieri, Anne Hathaway's former boyfriend does not like prison. Hmmm, what an insightful, well, insight Mr. Follieri. It's PRISON, not a private cabana on Ibiza! According to Follieri the Metropolitan Detention Center in Brooklyn is not up to his standards. "The food appears to be spoiled" and the bathroom has an "intolerable" smell. Additionally, the restroom is apparently rat-infested...HA! My favorite part of this story is that the warden says that he routinely eats the same food as the inmates and had never seen a rat in the Detention Center. Does this information tell us more about the warden of the Detention Center? Why is he eating inmate food, is it really that good? He couldn't make a sandwich at home with some unspoiled food? Maybe some peanut butter and jelly? Does the warden only get water except for tea or Cool-aid on Sundays? So he hasn't seen a rat, it's the small ones you have to be careful of....they are the ones carrying the plague! So there is plague in the Metropolitan Detention Center in Brooklyn...AAAHHH!!!! Look, I started a rumor, wasn't that fun?!

This picture cracks me up too, look how important he thinks he is!

There is some questionable lunch meat in my refrigerator and the cat's litter box definitely smells intolerable, can I get a transfer too?

Sephora Christmas Catalogue

Every year I eagerly await the arrival of my Sephora Holiday catalogue. I can always count on Sephora to fill the catalogue with happiness and joy and makeup! Not just makeup but expensive makeup, the best kind. The more expensive the better I say (when I'm under the intoxicating influence of the Sephora Christmas catalogue). The makeup on the models in the catalogue is intoxicating, I need to know who their makeup artist is, they are very creative! There are several items I am particularly excited about this year and I want to spread the love to those who aren't getting the Sephora catalogue (go to their website and order one immediately!)

This year I am so excited about palettes. I'm not talking a few colors in a compact palette but more like a train case filled with fabulousness...who doesn't want that?! There are two, in particular, that I am currently coveting, the Sephora Blockbuster palette and the Too Faced World Domination Tour Set. The Blockbuster palette has 84 eye shadows (!!!), 60 lip colors (!!!), 6 blushes and powders, and eye liner, lip liner, and 7 brushes and, here's the best, most ridiculous part, it's only $48! How do they do that? Not that I don't already have 84+ eye shadows but just the thought of having them all in one box is incredibly thrilling. I recently saw several palettes at the drug store but I know they are filled with crappy cosmetics, that is another reason I am so excited about the Sephora Blockbuster this year, I know that Sephora makes quality cosmetics that I would actually want to put on my face. I wonder how long it would take me to use 84 eye shadows and 60 lip colors?

The Too Faced World Domination Tour set is too cute not to mention. Where the Sephora set wins in the quantity department, the packaging is pretty no frills basic. The Too Faced set, on the other hand, wins in the cutest packaging EVER category. It looks like a music box from the 50's, complete with sassy dancer on spring at the top! It is $42 but only has 8 eye shadows, 6 glosses, 2 bronzers, and a few other things I'm not too excited about, but the box it's in completely makes up for the lack of cosmetics inside. I do have one Too Faced eyeshadow that I'm not in love with, but I am willing to give them a second chance, they have won me over with their packaging (oh, how easily I'm swayed!).

Sephora suggested it and I second the emotion that Philosophy has created the perfect hostess gift...the Philosophy Celebrate Bucket. It looks like a gallon of ice cream and it is filled with delicious shampoo, shower gel, and bubble bath in Pink Bubbly, Lavender Bubbly, and Pomegranate Bubbly flavors. YUM!!! Philosophy is one of my favorites and I love to share my favorite beauty products with friends. What better way to thank your hostess than this ice cream bucket filled with wonderfullness?! Philosophy has another set for the holidays that is filled with my favorite fragrance of theirs of all time...Amazing Grace. If you haven't smelled this one, I insist you get yourself to a Philosophy retailer immediately and sniff, you'll be totally addicted! There is a layering set for the holidays that includes a perfumed shimmer lotion (!!!), spray fragrance, and perfumed shampoo, body wash, and bubble bath. I'd layer this, maybe layer it twice!!!! Thank you Philosophy for making the yummiest bath products in the world, I am much obliged.

Maybe I don't even need Christmas presents, maybe the Sephora Christmas Catalogue is gift enough...oh wait, NO!

Monday, November 24, 2008


OK, I'll admit I had not heard of this until around three weeks ago but oh how quickly obsessions can develop! I read the first book and was smitten, I think it would be hard not to be. Then the movie. Left the theater approximately 1 hour and 20 minutes ago and I am still swooning. Edward was perfect...every thing was perfect...except Bella!

Could they have found a worse actress to play Bella? Possibly? Kristen Stewart...she looked and acted like a boy and is one of the worst actresses I have ever seen on screen. Also, I suspect her wardrobe was borrowed from a homeless person. It made Edward look stupid for liking her. Apparently her only asset is the way she smells but I'm not watching smellovision here folks! Honestly, she didn't look like she would smell that good anyway. My responses to Edward's swooniness in the seats of the theater were more authentic than hers were. I feel embarrassed for the poor girl at this point. It was like putting Zac Effron in Hairspray...can we say "out of our league?"

PS!!!!!!!!!! I just discovered through exhaustive Internet research that Edward, Robert Pattinson, played the hottie Cederic Diggory in Harry Potter!!! He was hot then and he's even hotter now! All of the descriptions in the Twilight book about Edward's otherworldly looks, how no human could be as beautiful as he is...Robert fits that bill plus some! I have a new celebrity crush! I will still keep my old celebrity crushes though, they are much older so I'm sure they won't mind. Do you mind Colin Firth, Alan Rickman, and James McAvoy? No, great! I'm not replacing you, I'm adding to your ranks, never fear, you'll always be my celebrity boyfriends. I also just realized that all my celebrity boyfriends are British. Coincidence? I think not.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

UGG Boots are the "Ug"liest Thing in the World

Good title, no?

There is a very alarming trend happening here in Alabama that the world needs to be aware of. First off, I must preface the UGG boots discussion with a brief note about Nike workout shorts. Since when is it OK to be in public in workout shorts when not working out? How lazy are you people?! They are everywhere, it's an epidemic. I thought that when winter arrived the Nike shorts would be tucked away at the bottom of a drawer but I was not anticipating the second disturbing trend of wearing these biking/legging things under horrible! "What Not to Wear," we need you!

Having established these disturbing facts, I can now bring us to the heart of the matter...UGG boots. Not that UGG boots are not disturbing enough on their own, but now they are being worn in conjunction with the Nike workout shorts alone or, if it's really cold, with the freakin' leggings too! People, do you not have mirrors, or mothers, or best friends?! Apparently not. But if not, why do you all dress identically in ridiculous clothes? Stupidity is not an excuse, you are clearly taking cues from those dressed equally ridiculously around you and emulating them. WHY??? I CAN'T STAND IT!

When I'm out walking I count the number of UGG boots and other various boots with jeans/tights tucked in, it's a fun past time. Once in a five minute walk I got up to 32 which I was quite impressed with. I should give extra point for wearing them with the Nike shorts. Perhaps I will print out some sort of Fashion Police citation cards and hand them out to all offenders, I wonder how that would go over?

I would like to point out another disturbing aspect to this very disturbing trend...we live in Alabama you morons...your feet are going to get hot!!!!

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

More News From the World of I Take Myself WAY Too Seriously

Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen have a new coffee table book out called Influence. They interviewed designers and other who have influences (obviously) the twin "fashion icons." A label I completely disagree with. Since when does looking like a homeless person in both dress and body weight make you a fashion icon, because your flannel shirt with a hole in it cost $10,000+? I think not.

They are apparently signing their $35 book at bookstores, not sure how far reaching this is, but they have implemented some amazingly retardiculous rules for their book signings. #1 You may not speak to them. They will not speak or answer questions or, presumably even say hello. #2 They will not lower themselves to signing any of their other ten trillion products or items of memorabilia you spent you hard earned money on, only Influence. #3 The twins will not have their picture taken. You heard it, the children from whom you bought a $35 dollar book to sit on your coffee table will not allow you to take their photograph. Here is my conclusion based on these delightful rules. These girls are complete brats who, as my title implies, think WAY too much of themselves. A little humility here girls? Guess what, I don't have unlimited money to squander on sunglasses that outweigh me by twenty or thirty pounds and I still dress better than you do! Additionally, I will autograph anything and whoever wants to take pictures of me because I'm so fabulous is welcomed and I might even say hello! I might even consider not unleashing my body guards on you if you look me in the eye. Are they related to a royal family somewhere that I am not aware of? Do we have to back out of the room with our heads bowed so as not to turn on backs on or make eye contact with their majesties?

Obey these rules, or else! Ungrateful brats!

Sunday, November 9, 2008

The Creepiest Commercial of All Time

OK, I'm going to go ahead and call this one, the creepiest commercial in the world in for Enzyte: Natural Male Enhancement. Their "holiday" commercial has "Bob," whom apparently lots of rumors are going around about, dressed as Santa Clause hocking natural male enhancement. As the line of randy women quickly grows waiting to sit in Santa Bob's lap, the announcer spouts the following, incredibly creepy, lines. "The gift that keeps on giving" (gross!) "chubby Santa" (literally) "sack full of pride" (ick!). I can not get on board with a commercial that gives child molesters ideas. What better job than to be a mall Santa at Christmas, use your Enzyte, and have lots of innocent children sit in your lap? What a great idea!

Sunday, November 2, 2008

My Kind of Politician

I ran across this quote from Rep. James Traficant (D-Ohio) he to directed to the House panel that found him guilty of nine ethics violations.

"I want you to disregard all the opposing counsel has said...I think they should be handcuffed, chained to a fence, and flogged...And if they lie again, I'm going to go over there and kick them in the crotch."

I LOVE this...say what you mean and mean what you say buddy!

I think I'm going to print this out on cards and when I want to kick someone in the crotch I will just hand them the card that explains everything so clearly and concisely. He's right, lying IS bad!

Monday, October 27, 2008

Thanks But No Thanks

These pictures really speak for themselves..."Hmmm, whose support can I do without and whose support of me would be really embarrassing in that they are trying to influence peoples political choices? Pete Wentz would be one, Kim Kardashian another, and that indestructible cheerleader, she's the worst! Thanks "celebrities" for your support, but no thanks, really." - statement by Barak Obama .

Sorry indestructible cheerleader, I really like you, I'm just reporting what Obama said...

Stupid Things Lindsay Lohan Has Done This Week

I thought if we broke this topic up in to weekly segments, it might be a bit more manageable. Don't want to write an entire novel for a single post.

Two particularly stupid things this week: #1., ...and I quote, "At some point, I want to adopt a kid - a child in need or a newborn from another country." Note to children in need and newborns in other, run as fast as you can. Hide, do not come out no matter what they promise you. If you are unable to run due to being a child in need or a newborn...crawl, crawl as fast as you can and hide. If an American with large sunglasses approaches, that is the time to take the cyanide pill, I've hidden one in each of your pacifier handles for emergencies. Idiocy #2, Lindsay Lohan is starting her own line of...wait for it comes...leggings! Yes, leggings. My favorite pair has knee pads built in, literally. How appropriate is that? They cost $132.00...for leggings...with knee pads...designed by Lindsay Lohan. Another "gem" of a pair of leggings is metallic...that's right...metallic leggings... that cost $99.00...designed by Lindsay Lohan. If anyone knows the number to Hell, call and let me know if it's frozen over or not.

By the by, I will be launching my own line of scrunchies in the Spring. They will cost ten million dollars each. I am currently taking orders.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

News from the world of I TAKE MYSELF WAY TOO SERIOUSLY!

This has been in the works for months, Beyonce entering my list of the most moronic celebutards, currently including Paris Hilton and Tom Cruise, and now it's officially happened. I wasn't ready to pull the trigger when I found out she's really 75 years old and claims she's 27 (her birth certificate clearly states that she was born in 1974, not 1981 as she has been claiming since, well, I guess 1981.) Nor was it time when, after she married Jay-Z, she said, “people put too much emphasis on that. It’s just material and it’s just silly to me,” referring to an engagement ring. She is now sporting a $5 million, 18 carat diamond ring by the by. All of this is clear idiocy but she has just put the icing on her own cake of stupidity with her latest announcement that we are now to call her "Sasha Fierce." HA! I literally have no sarcastic comment to make on this because it is just TOO moronic to justify with a snarky remark.

By the way, I will only answer to Lakeisha Intense from now on. That's Ms. Intense to you!

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

No, No, No!!!!! SJP is the ONLY Carrie Bradshaw!!!

Candace Bushnell, author of Sex and the City, is writing a prequel to the book and it's going to deal with Carrie's teenage years. YAY for that! I'm curious about it though, here are my title ideas: Sex and the Suburbs; Carrie Bradshaw: before every thing that defines her came in to her life and we are left with nothing but a hollow shell of a character; Dear God, It's Me, Carrie. Just a few ideas I thought I'd toss out there if you needed some inspiration Candace. As my second title suggests, I don't see how this is going to work minus Miranda, Charlotte, and Samantha, Big and NYC. Is the book going to be based on of Carrie from the original book or from the six seasons of SJP playing Carrie? Guess we'll have to wait and see.

My huge objection comes in when I read that Candace Bushnell has said that Miley Cyrus would be "adorable" playing a teenaged Carrie. No, no, no!!! No, Hannah Montana can not play Carrie Bradshaw, that is the worst idea I've heard all day. In fact, no one can play the younger Carrie. SJP IS CARRIE BRADSHAW!!! Unless some technology is developed to take about 25 years off SJP for her to be the teenaged Carrie, it won't work, just will not work. I won't have it and I might be forced to add Candace Bushnell to my boycott list that now only includes Tom Cruise and Paris Hilton. Candace, that is not a list you want to be on, you'd be in v. bad company!

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

I do want to say first of all that I did not write this but it is too funny not to post immediately! Although I have added a few "answers" of my own.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A:BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!

JOE BIDEN: For the love of everything holy...are they going to make me debate the chicken? Note to self...don't bully the chicken, don't bully the chicken.

JOHN MC CAIN: My friends that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

SARAH PALIN: In Alaska we call chickens Russian Polar Bears, don't ya know. Surely all you Joe-six-packs out there know that we're not talking about a road here, it's a bridge, a bridge to Russia, or no where as the liberal elite media likes to say.

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. Then, this really is not about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We do not really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where is my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of crossing?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken will not realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he is guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: That chicken crossed the road to steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmers Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road,
But why it crossed I have not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That is why they call it the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. In addition, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out the abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It is as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day, we did not ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but also will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Katie Fforde Makes Me Happy

For those of you not familiar with fabulous author extraordinaire Katie Fforde, let me illuminate you. Fforde is the best-selling British novelist who is not as popular in the US as I think she should be (and if I say it, right...). If ever you need a guaranteed make you happy light read, pick any of the zillions of books she has written (literally approx. 14 novels, most of which I've devoured), plop down on the couch in comfy stretchy pants and a cup of coffee in hand, and GO! I promise you won't be able to stop!

Fforde writes with a common formula in her books, but it never disappoints. Here's the basic plot line...somewhere in the British countryside lives a woman who, for whatever mishaps of circumstance, finds herself in, well, not the best situation. Enter a man who on first glance seems a rogue but, come to find out, he's really the answer to her problems, of course. Hilarity ensues. Please don't be put off by the Cindarellaishness of this v. short explanation...Fforde's women are strong, sassy, and can take care of themselves...they just happen to let men take part as well. If her heroins lived in the U.S. they would definitely be Southerners...the heros too for that matter. In Fforde's rural English countryside, I have found kindred spirits in her heroins. Kindred with both myself and Scarlett O'hara...what better complement to Fforde's writing could there be?

Some of my favorites: Highland Fling, Wild Designs, Stately Pursuits, Second Thyme Around

Victoria Beckham is a Man

It's official...Victoria Beckham has literally turned herself into an eleven year old boy! There are several disturbing aspects to this News Flash. #1 Her clothes weigh more than she does...she's going to have to hire an assistant to start carrying her around because she won't be able to walk with the Louboutin's on. #2 Not that she didn't look like a prepubescent boy before, but this haircut just seals the deal. Apparently she and Katie Holmes, a.k.a. Tom's prisoner, are in a contest to see who can look more like a young child...sorry Katie, I think VB wins. #3 David Beckham is unquestioningly gorgeous but one has to wonder what kind of weird stuff he's in to if he is turned on by a "woman" (thing) that looks like this. You can't be a sexy soccer star and be married to's nonsensical and, well, just gross. #4 Not only has VB transformed herself into the aforementioned eleven year old boy...he's also, apparently, a tranny! I hope I haven't offended any transsexuals out there. Don't worry trannys, you all look WAY better than this.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Molly McDonald Designs

I wanted to post some of my favorite artwork from an upcoming artist, Molly McDonald. She works with lots of technological art things that I don't really understand but I do know that the results are fabulous! I do understand the photography and pen drawing...but that is the extent of my artistic repertoire...cameras and ball point pens! I leave the technical stuff to the professionals.

Her prints are currently available at

She also does custom work...oh, to have the money to patronize an day! Fingers crossed that a smart gallery will show her work and help get her name out there...she rocks!

Stupid Things "celebrities" Said This Week

"I asked to leave public school. I was kind of bullied...Everyone signed a petition that said WE ALL HATE DEMI LOVATO." Demi Lovato (obviously).

Hey Demi, doesn't Miley Cyrus hate you too? If Hannah Montana hates you, and everyone at your school hates you, you might need to look inwards, it's looking like the chances are good that you're just not likable.

"I don't really want to be famous, and I'm kind of scared that might be happening." Michael Cera

OK, I don't know who Michael Cera is so, Michael, don't worry, you're not THAT famous! Here's a tip though, don't want to be famous? Try a different career (apparently he's an actor)! See, most people aren't famous so just refrain from acting, singing, or playing professional sports and you'll be fine, no need to be afraid, it will all be OK.

P.S. Oh, Cera is that dorky guy from Juno...interesting. This quote is so ironic considering that everyone knows who Ellen Page is. Oh wait, she really is famous!