The Master Cleanse

As I write this, I am just this side of death. I have crawled out of the house to take care of responsibilities today twice and crawled as quickly back to the couch as possible. This sad sad story is all due to THE MASTER CLEANSE, or as I'm calling it from now on, THAT DETOX THING THAT MADE ME REALLY SICK!

Per usual, when I heard that celebrities were doing "cleanses" I jumped on board without thinking, like I said, as I do with most things. If you want to follow in my not-so-fabulous-right-now footsteps here's what you do: 1) Spend $15 on the Master Cleanse book after looking for it in Barnes and Noble for thirty minutes, being too embarrassed to ask for it, then make your best friend get the twenty year old guy who works at B&N to find the book and tell you what a bad idea it is (note to self: do not underestimate the B & N employee's wisdom), 2) head straight to health food store and spend $35 on cayenne pepper, organic maple syrup, lemon juice, uniodized sea salt, and the value size container of herbal laxative (yes, that's what I said.), 3) proceed immediately home and take three herbal laxatives like the book says (container says to take one) and go to bed hungry, 4) wake up...use your imagination from here folks...drink a "salt water bath - quart of salt water and proceed...imagination again required, 5) feel weak and grumpy all day and drink lots of "lemonade" made with the maple syrup, cayenne pepper, and lemon juice (actually not that bad going in), 6) wake up next day weak, shaky, and unable to concentrate and head out of house, 7) think about McDonald's for an hour then purchase $15 of McD's breakfast, eat all within 30 minutes, and...use your imagination again.

I feel that there is way too much information in this post but I needed to get out in the Universe that clearly sanctioned anorexia is not for all people. I am going to embrace the fact that I am incredibly toxic on the inside, probably harbouring all sorts of destructive parasites, and that my internal PH is very acidic. I don't feel that acidic so it mustn't be that bad!