Friday, February 27, 2009

Why Didn't I Marry Russel Simmons?

I should have gone into the business of marrying ridiculously rich men, having lots of their children, then divorcing them! Russell Simmons and Kimora Lee Simmons (that moron who's friends with Tyra Banks, honestly, I don't know what she does...oh yeah, that stupid ugly clothing line Baby Phat) divorce was finalized yesterday. He will pay her $40,000/month in "child support" (seriously!) and, this is the best part, he has to buy a vehicle worth at least $60,000 every three years until his children are 16! Why, oh, why didn't I marry him when he asked!?!?!?!

Midnight Sun

Now I've never done crack but I imagine it to be very much life reading the Twilight series. I sped through the first book and was hooked (first one's always free!..I borrowed it from a friend). Then I trudged through New Moon and Eclipse which both were painful reads. Stephanie Meyer has come up with a very addictive story but the writing leaved much to be desired. Perhaps she's writing for a strictly teenage audience but I would think that JK Rowling would have been too and her writing doesn't seem simplified and predictable like the second and third Twilight books were. After reading New Moon I didn't think it could get worse but the whole Jacob addition and exploration in Eclipse was ridiculous...I literally could not care less about that story line. Meyer created the perfect character in Edward and trying to create a foil for him just seems pointless.

That being said, Breaking Dawn was one of the most satisfying books I have ever read. Having been teased for three books I was ready for all the action in BD. It's like clean vampire porn...interesting turn of phrase but true! I have read the good parts over and over again. In my book Stephanie Meyer has redeemed herself for the ridiculousness of New Moon and Eclipse in Breaking Dawn, totally worth it!

If you don't know, there has been a big giant controversy with the fifth book, Midnight Sun. There were very few unfinished, unedited copies distributed and they were, of course, leaked online and Stephanie Meyer went nuts! Although I don't blame her, I would have too! She was "over" the project and at one point said it was on hold indefinitely. Let me just say, I can't handle that! I did read, however, that she has reconsidered and Midnight Sun is her next's hoping. Here's why I REALLY love Stephanie Meyer, to answer all the hub-bub she posted the incomplete manuscript on her website so fans wouldn't be tricked by impostors. Thank you Stephanie Meyer!!! Midnight Sun is a rewriting of Twilight from Edward's perspective. I have read around 100 pages of it and it is YUMMY! I'm sure I will finish it this afternoon. I hate reading online but I don't mind making an exception for this! Please Stephanie Meyer...finish Midnight Sun and rewrite all the books from Edward's perspective. You can go ahead and leave Jacob out one cares!

The Changeling

SPOILER ALERT...I'm going to talk about details! WOW, I watched The Changeling a few days ago and am still thinking about it. Angie Jo said in an interview that if it wasn't a true story no one would believe it and I completely agree. About thirty minutes in I told my husband that it was the most gripping story I'd come across in a long time. Amazing!!! A changeling is traditionally a child believed to have been exchanged by fairies for the parents real child, except in this case it was the LAPD, not fairies...I won't even go there! After I watched the movie I read online to find out more about the true story which I actually think is a bit more intriguing that the movie portrays.

Gordon Northcott, the serial killer that, is seems, most likely killed Walter Collins, didn't have the exact relationship with his cousin as portrayed in the movie. Actually the cousin character was his nephew whom he and his mother kidnapped from Canada, sexually abused, held prisoner, and made him participate in the murders. Under oath Mrs. Northcott claimed that she was not Gordon's mother but really his grandmother...the result of incest between her husband and her daughter although the daughter denies any incest. Both Mrs. Northcott and Gordon at one time or another confessed to the murder of Walter Collins but both also recanted that confession. I wonder why the mother wasn't included in the film? It makes the serial killings even more sadistic that a mother and son were participating in them together and I think would have added even more dimension to this movie.

Many online reviewers spoke of their disdain for Angie Jo (I didn't know so many people hated her!) but after seeing her in Girl, Interrupted, I can't ever question her acting abilities. Many of the reviewers said that her lips were so big that they were distracted throughout the entire movie. Isn't it funny that someones lips can be so big that many different people can not enjoy a film because of it? Didn't bother me though. What did bother me, just slightly, was her emotional range in the movie. There seemed to be a level 1 and a level 10 for 99% of the movie, incredible extremes, with very few in between moments. It made for a roller coaster experience more than a progression which was a bit tiring after a while.

Despite my few concerns with the acting though, the story was so compelling and intriguing that it sucked me in. I wish I had discovered this story, this would have made a great History Dissertation!

Sunday, February 22, 2009

A Few Thoughts on the Oscars...

As I'm crying now with the format of the Best Supporting Actress winner Penelope Cruz who looks AMAZING!!! I have to put in a few thoughts. Plus, let me get in there that Hugh Jackman is the best host EVER! That opening was delicious, hilarious, and completely charming!

Angie's emerald's OMGOSH, I hope I get a closer look later. And what a surprise, she was wearing black. Newsflash's getting old! Apparently SJ Parker thought this was costume party and dressed up as Glinda the Good Witch. It hurts me to say that about SJP but seriously! And who knew that Survivor was having a celebrity edition starring Amy Adams? Not me! Why the necklace Amy...WHY???

Let's talk about age inappropriateness Miley Cyrus and Vanessa Anne Hudgens. MC looks like a mermaid ate a bunch of Swarovski crystals then threw up on her and I'm questioning if Charlize Theron could even pull off that Haute Couture VAH is dressing up in. Why is she at the Oscar's anyway? Wait...her performance in High School Musical 3 was life changing, I had forgotten...right.

Not that I'm surprised but I was again so embarrassed for Mr. Valentino, as I am every time he leaves his spray-tan booth, that he is now certifiably made of pure keratin. Apparently Sophia Loren has been sharing the spray-tan booth with Valentino. So unfortunate. Jessica Biel needs to crawl back in to the doghouse from whence she came...WOOF! It's hard to make her look good anyway but her shiny white dress isn't helping matters. Maybe she's trying to slip Justin Timberlake a not-so-subtle tip that she's ready to get married. Was Brittany Spears worse...I honestly don't know!?

Rob Pattinson takes my breath away. My greatest excitement of the night is knowing that he had taken a shower beforehand...I was really nervous about this but he came through for me, YAY! Mouth-wateringness! Speaking of cleanliness, Ben Stiller as Joaquin Phoenix was perfection, although he was actually more engaged than JP really was on Letterman, interesting. Apparently Adrian Brody is working on his own Joaquin Phoenix impression...gross! Speaking of Mickey Rourke...when they were yapping about his nomination I was looking to other way because I couldn't watch the tainted television then I truly realized the genius of this broadcast. The Oscar people sat Rob Pattinson right behind Crazy Rourke so that I could gaze into his loveliness while they yapped on and on about Crazy Rourke. Genius!

I would like to personally thank Natalie Portman for wearing a color! She looked lovely in pink and I really appreciated the fact that she wasn't wearing black or some shade of nude. That's gets old too! Even though I'm over the neutral colors in dresses this year, I'm completely loving Natalie's neutral makeup, she was perfection tonight! Another pleasant surprise was Alicia Keys in a gorgeous lavender number...loved it! Let's remember who we're talking about here...this girl is not a fashionista by any stretch of the word but some stylist somewhere made her look remarkably incredible. WOW!

Is Amanda Seyfried going to the prom later? Another question for her...are you wearing the same dress as Jessica Biel but in red? Both dresses are bordering on the ugliest things I have ever had the misfortune to lay my eyes on but the fact that they are so similar and worn by such homely actresses makes me giggle.

I AM SO MAD! I was excited that they were doing a movie musical montage until I realized who the talentless hag singing was...Beyonce...I quit this mess! ARGH, it's getting worse! The tards from High School that's why they let them in...ah ha! I also just realized that Joel Grey, my personal king of Broadway, had to have been backstage during that hot mess. Joel Grey, I apologize that you had to witness that...I apologize to myself that I had to witness that.

I wouldn't have thought that Queen Latifah and Reese Witherspoon would be in the same category in my stream of consciousness here but they do share a common thread on Oscar night...they both look like shiny gift-wrapped blueberries! Reese, what are you doing to me here?!!! I do want to put Reese in another category with someone else, that category is...dresses that look better from the back. The other member of that illustrious group is Kate Winslet. Kate wasn't horrible but better from the back (that's what she said! HA!). And Reeze, please explain the blue eyeshadow and middle-part in your hair...I don't understand. Seriously, I don't understand.

Best dressed of the night: Marion Cotillard

Worst Dressed: hard one to call...everyone wearing a mermaid skirt w/train...Tilda Swinton, Whoopie Goldberg (did she attack a cheetah on the way in?), Sophia Loren, Amy Adams (it hurts me, it really does)

Finally, Congratulations Kate should have won for Titanic!!!

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Maybe I'm Just Not That Into Him!!!

OK, so I somewhat reluctantly went to see He's Just Not That Into You tonight with a friend and it was one of the worst expenditure of 2 hours I've made in a long time. Not only was I offended by the title/plot of this movie but there were some fashion/makeup/hair choices I also just could not abide.

Plot problems: SPOILER ALERT! Where are these women's backbones and self respect? WHERE? Not in this movie, that's for sure! Apparently the message of this movie is that guys can dish out whatever they want, treat women/girlfriends/wives however they want and get away with it if the either a) love you, or b) marry you (with a few exceptions). I was waiting for some of these women to just let these guys have it but it never happened. V. disappointing. I was looking for some sort of "we don't need men to be happy" message but that must have been in another theater...maybe in Medea Goes To Jail. I also take offense to the title/plot because it doesn't leave any room for "the guy is retarded" or "the guy is lazy" or "the guy isn't worth being in a relationship anyway!" I take the point, I guess, but this movie seems to be doing a lot of blaming and finger pointing towards women and letting the guys get away with behavior, if directed at me, would induce a serious beating on my part. Perhaps with a baseball bat, maybe a metal one in a few instances. I just wanted to puke when Ben Afleck who's been acting like a complete a-hole the entire movie asks Jennifer Anniston to marry him and she gushes and says "yes" and the entire audience, save me of course, either giggled or cheered. What?! He's getting away with everything because he said "will you marry me?" That's crap!

Now to my real issues with the movie. Gennifer Goodwin, whom I usually adore, was her adorable self, even if her role was v. pathetic, but she was wearing purple nail polish the entire movie. Purple nail polish! I thought I was hallucinating at first but unfortunately no, I was not mistaken that she combined black and navy blue in more than one outfit...not OK. No wonder she can't get a guy!

Jennifer Connolly's wardrobe consisted entirely of button-up shorts under sweaters, with one exception, again literally the entire movie. OK, I get the conservative serious persona but can't we change it up a little, it's repetitive and boring! Along the boring conservative lines was also a makeup problem. They went a little too far in making it look like she wasn't wearing makeup that I really don't think she had enough on and she just came off looking homely, it was kind of sad because it's hard to make Jennifer Connolly look homely, although easier now that she hasn't eaten anything in several years...the girl is SKINNY!

Jennifer Anniston has her long straight hair (as always) in this movie but it is weirdly pulled back to the side with bobby pins and cutsie little clips in very strange ways throughout the movie...just one side. Couldn't we cut some bangs or tuck behind our ear? Why didn't they just give her a big scrunchy to tie the whole thing up with? If we're going to be tacky, let's go all the way! Also, getting back to the plot, I wanted to puke again at the NUMEROUS jokes that were made at JenAn's expense because she wasn't married or in a relationship. Get a grip people, are we still living in an age where it's OK to make jokes at peoples expense because they aren't in a relationship? I am in one and I STILL find that offensive. Probably hit a little close to home for her anyway!

I just realized everyone in this movie is named Jennifer (or some derivative thereof)!

Drew Barrymore continued her hippy flower-child nonsense yet again here. Lots of ridiculous braids in the hair and flowy hippy shirts and every word out of her mouth was just general ridiculousness! She also had this weird misplaced gay posse around her that I consider offensive to both hippys and well as gays! Plus, on the big screen her age is really showing...her skin looked HORRIBLE! I really wanted to close my eyes at the close-ups.

So He's Just Not That Into You...maybe I'm Just Not That Into Him!!!!

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Yet Another Kitchen Disaster

Until recently (think rum cake) I thought that I was fairly adept in the kitchen I mean, not in the actual department at Macy's, I'm good there too though. Tonight I was going to try yet another culinary masterpiece for dinner. Yes, I had been gone all day working and schooling but, darn it, I was going to make dinner for my husband and myself. A friend (questioning this now:) had recommended a way to make omelette that was fool-proof (HA!) and delicious. Place the ingredients in a zip-lock bag, shake, and boil for 13 minutes. "Great idea" I thought. Little did I consider that I buy the cheap-o bargain bags at the Dollar General and that these might not hold up as well in boiling water for 13 minutes. Confirmation...the cheap-o bargain bags from the Dollar General DO NOT hold up well in boiling water. In fact, they don't hold up at all...they melt! I found this little tid-bit out when I looked over and saw/smelled egg/cheese water boiling over the pot all over and into my stove. AHHHH! I wasted large amounts of money-costing groceries that turned into a water/egg/ham/turkey/cheese soup because I was trying to "save money." When am I going to learn that "saving money" rarely turns out well?