Jeremy Piven is a Thermometer!

I'll admit I don't care who Jeremy Piven is or why he is appearing in my magazines but when you mess with Broadway, you mess with me too! The "official" story is that Piven had to leave the Broadway play Speed-the-Plow due to "shocking levels" of mercury in his system due to his sushi addiction. This is laughable on so many levels I don't know where to begin. Word on the street (which I find is usually correct) though is that before his Mercury OD he was bored with the show and looking for a replacement. So Jeremy Piven is not grateful for the Broadway show he gets to be a part of, is that it? He is so ridiculous! The main reason I'm writing about this silliness is a quote by the writer, David Mamet re: the Mercury "scare." "It is my understanding that he is leaving show business to pursue a career as a thermometer." I mightn't have ever heard anything so funny in my life. I have to see this play now, if it's filled with nuggets like this I'm sure to be laughing my butt off the entire time!

Eva Mendes Has Amazing Style, or Stylist More Likely)

Calvin Klein

Jenni Kayne

Calvin Klein


Michael Kors

Bill Blass

I'm not sure if I could name a movie or television show Eva Mendes has been in but I'll tell you where she has been...in my fashion magazines! This girls got it going on. Her style is amazing and her stylist (I'm assuming) has recently picked out some of the most gorgeous red carpet dresses I have seen in a long time. How fortunate for Eva they all appear on her body! I find it very interesting that her stylist Estee Stanly is also the stylist for the Olsen twins, Demi Moore, Jessica Biel considering that most of them look trashy most of the time. Do I really have to go there with the Olsens? Yes, yes, homeless bag lady couture, we get it. No, seriously, we get it. It wasn't cute then, isn't cute now, but they occasionally pull off the upset gorgeous outfit, you can't deny they are gorgeous girls...the end. Jessica Biel on the other hand is incredibly unfortunate looking and seems to be the dress up doll for Stanley. Even with a great body and, I suppose some would say, hot boyfriend (JT), some people just aren't made for couture. She looks like Barbie trying to wear Chanel, it just doesn't work. Demi Moore, another homely specimen, does tend to pull it out on the red carpet but her casual "I'm married to Ashton Kutcher" look is horrid.

But way to go Estee Stanley...you've hit the nail on the head with Eva Mendez...keep the great looks coming!

Brandy/Moesha...Remember Her? Anyone? No, OK.

I hate to even legitimize this celebutard (does she even qualify anymore?) by writing about her but she gave an interview to US Weekly that killed me and I had to share!

Here's the background, in 2001 she got knocked up by her then boyfriend...seems pretty par for the course these days, but anyway she said that they had been secretly married in July of 2001 so this baby wasn't a bastard, it was completely legit...how convenient. On a side note, Brandy was 22 at the time, I know it's hard to believe but were not talking about the actions of a 16 year old here. She even did a "documentary" for MTV about the birth of her totally legitimate child called Brandy: A Special Delivery...HA! Turns out that the two were never married, she made it all up! She did say they had a "spiritual union," yes, you are right Brandy, that is the same thing. Wink, wink.

Here are some of my favorite moments from this riotously funny article. When asked what her reaction was when she found out she was pregnant she replied, "I was afraid of the labor...it's gonna hurt so bad!" Commenting on why she lied she lets everyone know how sorry she is, "truly, truly sorry - like, a little bit of tears now." I am less concerned that she was unmarried and pregnant and more concerned with the state of her grammar, how disturbing! She went on to add, "our relationship was very real, but we weren't just legally married." Apparently she hasn't dated in over three years...at least her dating pool seems on to the fact that she is a mildly-retarded nut job! I am not making these things up, these are direct quotes from the article, I don't think I could make up such ridiculouness if I tried.

Thanks But No Thanks

These pictures really speak for themselves..."Hmmm, whose support can I do without and whose support of me would be really embarrassing in that they are trying to influence peoples political choices? Pete Wentz would be one, Kim Kardashian another, and that indestructible cheerleader, she's the worst! Thanks "celebrities" for your support, but no thanks, really." - statement by Barak Obama .

Sorry indestructible cheerleader, I really like you, I'm just reporting what Obama said...

Stupid Things Lindsay Lohan Has Done This Week

I thought if we broke this topic up in to weekly segments, it might be a bit more manageable. Don't want to write an entire novel for a single post.

Two particularly stupid things this week: #1., ...and I quote, "At some point, I want to adopt a kid - a child in need or a newborn from another country." Note to children in need and newborns in other countries...run, run as fast as you can. Hide, do not come out no matter what they promise you. If you are unable to run due to being a child in need or a newborn...crawl, crawl as fast as you can and hide. If an American with large sunglasses approaches, that is the time to take the cyanide pill, I've hidden one in each of your pacifier handles for emergencies. Idiocy #2, Lindsay Lohan is starting her own line of...wait for it...here it comes...leggings! Yes, leggings. My favorite pair has knee pads built in, literally. How appropriate is that? They cost $132.00...for leggings...with knee pads...designed by Lindsay Lohan. Another "gem" of a pair of leggings is metallic...that's right...metallic leggings... that cost $99.00...designed by Lindsay Lohan. If anyone knows the number to Hell, call and let me know if it's frozen over or not.

By the by, I will be launching my own line of scrunchies in the Spring. They will cost ten million dollars each. I am currently taking orders.

News from the world of I TAKE MYSELF WAY TOO SERIOUSLY!

This has been in the works for months, Beyonce entering my list of the most moronic celebutards, currently including Paris Hilton and Tom Cruise, and now it's officially happened. I wasn't ready to pull the trigger when I found out she's really 75 years old and claims she's 27 (her birth certificate clearly states that she was born in 1974, not 1981 as she has been claiming since, well, I guess 1981.) Nor was it time when, after she married Jay-Z, she said, “people put too much emphasis on that. It’s just material and it’s just silly to me,” referring to an engagement ring. She is now sporting a $5 million, 18 carat diamond ring by the by. All of this is clear idiocy but she has just put the icing on her own cake of stupidity with her latest announcement that we are now to call her "Sasha Fierce." HA! I literally have no sarcastic comment to make on this because it is just TOO moronic to justify with a snarky remark.

By the way, I will only answer to Lakeisha Intense from now on. That's Ms. Intense to you!

No, No, No!!!!! SJP is the ONLY Carrie Bradshaw!!!

Candace Bushnell, author of Sex and the City, is writing a prequel to the book and it's going to deal with Carrie's teenage years. YAY for that! I'm curious about it though, here are my title ideas: Sex and the Suburbs; Carrie Bradshaw: before every thing that defines her came in to her life and we are left with nothing but a hollow shell of a character; Dear God, It's Me, Carrie. Just a few ideas I thought I'd toss out there if you needed some inspiration Candace. As my second title suggests, I don't see how this is going to work minus Miranda, Charlotte, and Samantha, Big and NYC. Is the book going to be based on of Carrie from the original book or from the six seasons of SJP playing Carrie? Guess we'll have to wait and see.

My huge objection comes in when I read that Candace Bushnell has said that Miley Cyrus would be "adorable" playing a teenaged Carrie. No, no, no!!! No, Hannah Montana can not play Carrie Bradshaw, that is the worst idea I've heard all day. In fact, no one can play the younger Carrie. SJP IS CARRIE BRADSHAW!!! Unless some technology is developed to take about 25 years off SJP for her to be the teenaged Carrie, it won't work, just will not work. I won't have it and I might be forced to add Candace Bushnell to my boycott list that now only includes Tom Cruise and Paris Hilton. Candace, that is not a list you want to be on, you'd be in v. bad company!

Victoria Beckham is a Man

It's official...Victoria Beckham has literally turned herself into an eleven year old boy! There are several disturbing aspects to this News Flash. #1 Her clothes weigh more than she does...she's going to have to hire an assistant to start carrying her around because she won't be able to walk with the Louboutin's on. #2 Not that she didn't look like a prepubescent boy before, but this haircut just seals the deal. Apparently she and Katie Holmes, a.k.a. Tom's prisoner, are in a contest to see who can look more like a young child...sorry Katie, I think VB wins. #3 David Beckham is unquestioningly gorgeous but one has to wonder what kind of weird stuff he's in to if he is turned on by a "woman" (thing) that looks like this. You can't be a sexy soccer star and be married to this...it's nonsensical and, well, just gross. #4 Not only has VB transformed herself into the aforementioned eleven year old boy...he's also, apparently, a tranny! I hope I haven't offended any transsexuals out there. Don't worry trannys, you all look WAY better than this.

Stupid Things "celebrities" Said This Week

"I asked to leave public school. I was kind of bullied...Everyone signed a petition that said WE ALL HATE DEMI LOVATO." Demi Lovato (obviously).

Hey Demi, doesn't Miley Cyrus hate you too? If Hannah Montana hates you, and everyone at your school hates you, you might need to look inwards, it's looking like the chances are good that you're just not likable.

"I don't really want to be famous, and I'm kind of scared that might be happening." Michael Cera

OK, I don't know who Michael Cera is so, Michael, don't worry, you're not THAT famous! Here's a tip though, don't want to be famous? Try a different career (apparently he's an actor)! See, most people aren't famous so just refrain from acting, singing, or playing professional sports and you'll be fine, no need to be afraid, it will all be OK.

P.S. Oh, Cera is that dorky guy from Juno...interesting. This quote is so ironic considering that everyone knows who Ellen Page is. Oh wait, she really is famous!

What Would Your Last Wish Be?

People magazine had the bright idea of asking celebretards if they were granted three wishes, what would their last wish be. Here are a sampling of the stimulating responses. Stephen Colbert said he would wish that America would make the right choice when voting for President...good answer. Blake Lively would want to have a hundred more wishes (giggle, giggle)...appropriate answer, although I might have gone with a thousand more or maybe half of the federal bailout money so then I wouldn't need wishes, I could buy whatever I wanted...including world peace, or, you know, whatever.

Here is where it gets interesting...People magazine asked Omar Epps and Taylor Momsen what they would wish for. Now, just to clarify, I'm not exactly sure who either of these two are. The names are familiar...maybe Gosssip Girl and an 80's sitcom? All I have confirmed however is that they are definitely handi-tards (it's from Weeds, don't get mad at me!) Omar's wish is that he won't have to pay taxes. Really Omar? That's your final wish? I'm dying to know what your first two were. Even though I'm not completely sure who you even are, I'm assuming if People is asking you a question you must have a decent amount of money. So you saying that while thousands of Americans are losing their homes, middle class families can't afford food or gasoline for their cars, the poor are getting poorer and the rich are getting richer, hundreds of thousands in Africa risk the threat of murder and starvation every day, etc., etc., you don't want to have to pay taxes on your "earnings" to help out someone else? Good answer, moron! You need to go for a long drive in your Escalade/Hummer/18-wheeler and think about what you said...MORON!

And for you Taylor Momsen...I think you are still a teenager so your brain isn't fully developed (apparently). What Taylor wishes for, more than anything else on Earth, is...

MORE TIME AT THE BEACH because you don't have to style your hair while you're at the beach. I kid you not...that's her wish and her reasoning behind it!

Couldn't she at least invite some orphans to the beach with her? Buy them a snow cone? Maybe she could buy a stretch of beach, build small one room houses with running water and electricity and move half of Rawanda to the beach...she still wouldn't have to style her hair! Other people who don't care if her hair is styled and I'm sure would love to share the beach with her are the families of murder victims, rape victims, battered women, the homeless, drug addicts, the mentally ill, those nine kids whose Dad abandoned them at the hospital last week, millions of people who don't have water or food available every day, etc., etc.

People always have a fit when a celebretard supports a political candidate or shares their opinion on political or humanitarian issues...why isn't the opposite true? Why don't we get on their cases when they display a total lack of social consciousness, or for that matter, brain activity in general? I think these are the celebrities we should be giving a hard time to. Madonna...you go out and adopt those African babies. George...you support your Democratic candidates. More power to you both! Thank you, on behalf of all Americans, for at least having a brain.

Post Script: after looking for pictures to accompany this tirade, I discovered who these two morons are, sort of. Apparently Omar Epps is that cute doctor on House. I guess he just plays a guy with a brain on TV. And he wears women's blouses (see picture). And guess who Taylor Momsen is/was...Cindy Lu Who in The Grinch. Wow, did she grow up stupid. At least she kept her wardrobe from The Grinch (see picture)..."Look, it still fits!"

Sharon Stone's Son Smells and She's Not Taking It Anymore!

This is a GOOD one...according to People magazine, Sharon Stones ex-husband has alleged in court papers that she suggested that they inject BOTOX into their small child's feet because they smelled so badly.

#1. Sharon Stone is crazy. We don't inject Botox unless it is completely voluntary and/or required for a movie role and/or we are Barbara Walters.

#2. If his feet stink that bad, maybe we should stop fighting over custody of the child and get him to a doctor, pronto...there clearly are more serious issues going on with this child here than who he should live with...HIS FEET STINK. Geez, deal with the REAL problem here Sharon Stone.

#3. Maybe Sharon Stone should just inject Botox into her nose then she wouldn't have to smell her son's disgusting feet. She can schedule this for after she drops him off at his therapy session. Scheduling in this manner should give her lots of options.

Hef and Holly and Kendra, oh my!

Why, oh why am I so fascinated with The Girls Next Door? Is it because I'm totally jealous of the bodies on those girls...well, yes, BUT, upon further introspection, it's really like seeing a car wreck on the interstate...you want to look away (OK, no you don't!) but you don't.

So, Hef (82) is no longer with Holly (28), girlfriend #1 who was formerly guaranteed 2 million in his Will (maybe should have toned down that baby talk before now, huh? You could have bought a lot of babies and husbands with 2 million Holly!). If I had to pay a woman 2 mil to be my girlfriend, I would feel bad about myself but that doesn't seem to be the case here...curious. Secondly, she-man, Kendra (4 year old in the body of a 16 year old) is engaged to, wait, here it comes...a MAN! He's a professional athlete too...does that make him gay? Being engaged, married in this case though does not preclude one from being Hef's "girlfriend." Actually, Bridget is at some point in the seperation/divorce proceedings from her first husband and has been since she moved in to the Playboy mansion. Also, Hef's still married to his second wife. Why can he get away with this but that poor Jeffs guy in Utah is getting such a bad name?

All of this came to light within the past couple of weeks and, wait, here it comes...Hef already has new girlfriends...twins. Gross and Way To Go! Are they on some sort of que system here? Does a list of who comes next actually exist? I want to see this list! Am I on this list? 2 million doesn't sound that bad to me! Actually, these new girlfriends have criminal records so maybe Hef's 'people' are getting their info from court records...maybe that's where the list is, in the 'fugitive files' of LA. Bottom of the Barrell anyone?