Thanks But No Thanks

These pictures really speak for themselves..."Hmmm, whose support can I do without and whose support of me would be really embarrassing in that they are trying to influence peoples political choices? Pete Wentz would be one, Kim Kardashian another, and that indestructible cheerleader, she's the worst! Thanks "celebrities" for your support, but no thanks, really." - statement by Barak Obama .

Sorry indestructible cheerleader, I really like you, I'm just reporting what Obama said...

Stupid Things Lindsay Lohan Has Done This Week

I thought if we broke this topic up in to weekly segments, it might be a bit more manageable. Don't want to write an entire novel for a single post.

Two particularly stupid things this week: #1., ...and I quote, "At some point, I want to adopt a kid - a child in need or a newborn from another country." Note to children in need and newborns in other countries...run, run as fast as you can. Hide, do not come out no matter what they promise you. If you are unable to run due to being a child in need or a newborn...crawl, crawl as fast as you can and hide. If an American with large sunglasses approaches, that is the time to take the cyanide pill, I've hidden one in each of your pacifier handles for emergencies. Idiocy #2, Lindsay Lohan is starting her own line of...wait for it...here it comes...leggings! Yes, leggings. My favorite pair has knee pads built in, literally. How appropriate is that? They cost $132.00...for leggings...with knee pads...designed by Lindsay Lohan. Another "gem" of a pair of leggings is metallic...that's right...metallic leggings... that cost $99.00...designed by Lindsay Lohan. If anyone knows the number to Hell, call and let me know if it's frozen over or not.

By the by, I will be launching my own line of scrunchies in the Spring. They will cost ten million dollars each. I am currently taking orders.

News from the world of I TAKE MYSELF WAY TOO SERIOUSLY!

This has been in the works for months, Beyonce entering my list of the most moronic celebutards, currently including Paris Hilton and Tom Cruise, and now it's officially happened. I wasn't ready to pull the trigger when I found out she's really 75 years old and claims she's 27 (her birth certificate clearly states that she was born in 1974, not 1981 as she has been claiming since, well, I guess 1981.) Nor was it time when, after she married Jay-Z, she said, “people put too much emphasis on that. It’s just material and it’s just silly to me,” referring to an engagement ring. She is now sporting a $5 million, 18 carat diamond ring by the by. All of this is clear idiocy but she has just put the icing on her own cake of stupidity with her latest announcement that we are now to call her "Sasha Fierce." HA! I literally have no sarcastic comment to make on this because it is just TOO moronic to justify with a snarky remark.

By the way, I will only answer to Lakeisha Intense from now on. That's Ms. Intense to you!

No, No, No!!!!! SJP is the ONLY Carrie Bradshaw!!!

Candace Bushnell, author of Sex and the City, is writing a prequel to the book and it's going to deal with Carrie's teenage years. YAY for that! I'm curious about it though, here are my title ideas: Sex and the Suburbs; Carrie Bradshaw: before every thing that defines her came in to her life and we are left with nothing but a hollow shell of a character; Dear God, It's Me, Carrie. Just a few ideas I thought I'd toss out there if you needed some inspiration Candace. As my second title suggests, I don't see how this is going to work minus Miranda, Charlotte, and Samantha, Big and NYC. Is the book going to be based on of Carrie from the original book or from the six seasons of SJP playing Carrie? Guess we'll have to wait and see.

My huge objection comes in when I read that Candace Bushnell has said that Miley Cyrus would be "adorable" playing a teenaged Carrie. No, no, no!!! No, Hannah Montana can not play Carrie Bradshaw, that is the worst idea I've heard all day. In fact, no one can play the younger Carrie. SJP IS CARRIE BRADSHAW!!! Unless some technology is developed to take about 25 years off SJP for her to be the teenaged Carrie, it won't work, just will not work. I won't have it and I might be forced to add Candace Bushnell to my boycott list that now only includes Tom Cruise and Paris Hilton. Candace, that is not a list you want to be on, you'd be in v. bad company!

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

I do want to say first of all that I did not write this but it is too funny not to post immediately! Although I have added a few "answers" of my own.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A:BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!

JOE BIDEN: For the love of everything holy...are they going to make me debate the chicken? Note to self...don't bully the chicken, don't bully the chicken.

JOHN MC CAIN: My friends that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

SARAH PALIN: In Alaska we call chickens Russian Polar Bears, don't ya know. Surely all you Joe-six-packs out there know that we're not talking about a road here, it's a bridge, a bridge to Russia, or no where as the liberal elite media likes to say.

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. Then, this really is not about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We do not really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where is my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of crossing?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken will not realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he is guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: That chicken crossed the road to steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmers Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road,
But why it crossed I have not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That is why they call it the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. In addition, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out the abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It is as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day, we did not ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but also will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

Katie Fforde Makes Me Happy

For those of you not familiar with fabulous author extraordinaire Katie Fforde, let me illuminate you. Fforde is the best-selling British novelist who is not as popular in the US as I think she should be (and if I say it, right...). If ever you need a guaranteed make you happy light read, pick any of the zillions of books she has written (literally approx. 14 novels, most of which I've devoured), plop down on the couch in comfy stretchy pants and a cup of coffee in hand, and GO! I promise you won't be able to stop!

Fforde writes with a common formula in her books, but it never disappoints. Here's the basic plot line...somewhere in the British countryside lives a woman who, for whatever mishaps of circumstance, finds herself in, well, not the best situation. Enter a man who on first glance seems a rogue but, come to find out, he's really the answer to her problems, of course. Hilarity ensues. Please don't be put off by the Cindarellaishness of this v. short explanation...Fforde's women are strong, sassy, and can take care of themselves...they just happen to let men take part as well. If her heroins lived in the U.S. they would definitely be Southerners...the heros too for that matter. In Fforde's rural English countryside, I have found kindred spirits in her heroins. Kindred with both myself and Scarlett O'hara...what better complement to Fforde's writing could there be?

Some of my favorites: Highland Fling, Wild Designs, Stately Pursuits, Second Thyme Around

Victoria Beckham is a Man

It's official...Victoria Beckham has literally turned herself into an eleven year old boy! There are several disturbing aspects to this News Flash. #1 Her clothes weigh more than she does...she's going to have to hire an assistant to start carrying her around because she won't be able to walk with the Louboutin's on. #2 Not that she didn't look like a prepubescent boy before, but this haircut just seals the deal. Apparently she and Katie Holmes, a.k.a. Tom's prisoner, are in a contest to see who can look more like a young child...sorry Katie, I think VB wins. #3 David Beckham is unquestioningly gorgeous but one has to wonder what kind of weird stuff he's in to if he is turned on by a "woman" (thing) that looks like this. You can't be a sexy soccer star and be married to this...it's nonsensical and, well, just gross. #4 Not only has VB transformed herself into the aforementioned eleven year old boy...he's also, apparently, a tranny! I hope I haven't offended any transsexuals out there. Don't worry trannys, you all look WAY better than this.