The Master Cleanse

As I write this, I am just this side of death. I have crawled out of the house to take care of responsibilities today twice and crawled as quickly back to the couch as possible. This sad sad story is all due to THE MASTER CLEANSE, or as I'm calling it from now on, THAT DETOX THING THAT MADE ME REALLY SICK!

Per usual, when I heard that celebrities were doing "cleanses" I jumped on board without thinking, like I said, as I do with most things. If you want to follow in my not-so-fabulous-right-now footsteps here's what you do: 1) Spend $15 on the Master Cleanse book after looking for it in Barnes and Noble for thirty minutes, being too embarrassed to ask for it, then make your best friend get the twenty year old guy who works at B&N to find the book and tell you what a bad idea it is (note to self: do not underestimate the B & N employee's wisdom), 2) head straight to health food store and spend $35 on cayenne pepper, organic maple syrup, lemon juice, uniodized sea salt, and the value size container of herbal laxative (yes, that's what I said.), 3) proceed immediately home and take three herbal laxatives like the book says (container says to take one) and go to bed hungry, 4) wake up...use your imagination from here folks...drink a "salt water bath - quart of salt water and proceed...imagination again required, 5) feel weak and grumpy all day and drink lots of "lemonade" made with the maple syrup, cayenne pepper, and lemon juice (actually not that bad going in), 6) wake up next day weak, shaky, and unable to concentrate and head out of house, 7) think about McDonald's for an hour then purchase $15 of McD's breakfast, eat all within 30 minutes, and...use your imagination again.

I feel that there is way too much information in this post but I needed to get out in the Universe that clearly sanctioned anorexia is not for all people. I am going to embrace the fact that I am incredibly toxic on the inside, probably harbouring all sorts of destructive parasites, and that my internal PH is very acidic. I don't feel that acidic so it mustn't be that bad!

Diva Alert, Diva Alert!

If you haven't heard, Patti Lupone is a hard-core diva. I knew that when she started her run in Gypsy on Broadway that Harvey Firestein would send her ridiculous back-stage presents (like a bouquet of cacti) to get her engines running which I think is hilarious but when she takes "it" out on the public, I have to call out the ridiculouslness. Please take the time to check out the following youtube.com video. It KILLS me, one of the funniest things I've seen today! Also, please note the Juliard degree is in the field of DIVA...HA!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F5Wh6DAFpW4

Stacy Ferguson is NOT the Dutchess of York

If I were Sarah Ferguson, The Dutchess of York, ex-wife of Prince Andrew, I would be so horrified and possibly take legal action against the celebutard (in every sense of the word) Stacy Ferguson, i.e. Fergie, i.e. The Dutchess, for stealing my legally given aristocratic title and forcing me to be associating with such rubbish.

Stacy Ferguson is from the Black Eyed Peas, in case you didn't know. Still don't know? You may remember her as the singer who peed in her pants at a concert and continued singing. Oh the class. Sarah Ferguson on the other hand is a former princess, the actual Dutchess of York, and former best friend of Princess Diana...need I say more? I have been horrified by "Fergie" going by The Dutchess for so long now and I just can't understand how Sara Ferguson puts up with it. Fergie even has a song called "Fergilicious." That's not a word and it's not even a funny or cute made up one! It is just SO stupid I can barely force my fingers to fly across the keyboard as I write this. How embarassing for Sarah Ferguson, the real Dutchess. She is so classy and refined and Stacy Ferguson is, well, not.

Jeremy Piven is a Thermometer!

I'll admit I don't care who Jeremy Piven is or why he is appearing in my magazines but when you mess with Broadway, you mess with me too! The "official" story is that Piven had to leave the Broadway play Speed-the-Plow due to "shocking levels" of mercury in his system due to his sushi addiction. This is laughable on so many levels I don't know where to begin. Word on the street (which I find is usually correct) though is that before his Mercury OD he was bored with the show and looking for a replacement. So Jeremy Piven is not grateful for the Broadway show he gets to be a part of, is that it? He is so ridiculous! The main reason I'm writing about this silliness is a quote by the writer, David Mamet re: the Mercury "scare." "It is my understanding that he is leaving show business to pursue a career as a thermometer." I mightn't have ever heard anything so funny in my life. I have to see this play now, if it's filled with nuggets like this I'm sure to be laughing my butt off the entire time!

Turnaround...every now and then I get a little (less flakey)

Clinique has a Turnaround line of products that I am completely obsessed with. Turnaround Concentrate Visible Skin Renewer, Turnaround Body Smoothing Cream, Turnaround Instant Facial, and Turnaround Radiance Peel Once-a-Week System. I have used Turnaround Concentrate for over a year now and it is perfection. On the face it makes your skin feel like silk, the feeling is unreal and addictive. It has salicylic acid in it which is perfect for my oilier skin. I put this on after my three step in the morning and I rarely have to touch up my makeup during the day whereas before using this, I would have to use oil blotting sheets and pressed powder several times a day.

All the Turnaround products, save the peel, continuously exfoliate your skin, that's what gives the radiant look. These products, again save the peel, are great for all skin types. Continuous exfoliation keeps breakouts at bay, keeps flakies at bay, and gives the skin an amazing glowing look. The Instant Facial is replacing the Turnaround 15-minute facial, I guess 15 minutes was just too long to wait, and it mimics in-office microdermabrasion. This stuff is amazing...it takes off any dead skin cell that every thought of being on your face; but surprisingly, not in a harsh way. The Instant Facial leaves your skin looking radiant (again!) and fresh, it's addictive too. The Body Smoother and Peel just came out. I haven't used the Peel yet but I hear it's perfect for those addicted to exfoliation, like me. It's a bit pricey at $55 but I'm going to use my Belk rewards dollars towards the kit after Christmas! Merry Christmas to me! The Body Smoother is so yummy. It's a blessing for feet but I also love it on my hands and arms at night. I can't wait until summer when short sleeves and sleeveless are more realistic....my arms are going to be glowing!

Thanks Clinique for making me glow like a Cullen (without those nasty other "side-effects" required to glow like a Cullen!)

Rum Cake Disaster or Failed Southern Belle

It's my husbands birthday today and, for the second year running, he wanted a rum cake (FYI, do not use candles on Rum Cake!). Last years cake was a complete disaster. I followed the recipe exactly and ended up with a bundt cake with the better part of a bottle of liquor poured over it, completely disgusting, like taking shots of too moist cake, gross. But Husband loves me and ate it nonetheless. I don't think it was to make me feel better, I think he was drunk (from the cake...I made my husband drunk from cake!).

It's 2008, time to make a fresh start with the rum cake idea. Why, oh why can't he want a Funfetti cake with matching icing, that I can make?! I searched online for the best recipe and found one that had been reviewed 507 times with either 4 or 5 stars and every reviewer said it was the best cake they ever had...blah, blah, blah. "This will be the perfect run cake for my wonderful husband's birthday," I though. Ha, ha. We just ate it for dinner. My tongue is numb from the high alcohol content and I feel a little queasy. Just like last year I followed the recipe to a T, basically. I didn't have any vegetable oil so I used peanut oil. Bad idea. It tasted like what I would imagine a Thai rum cake tasting like...not good. Secondly, I didn't have butter for the glaze so I used margarine...again, bad idea. The glaze had no buttery flavor but, AGAIN DANG IT, it tasted like shooting rubbing alcohol.

Why can't I make a rum cake? If Scarlett O'hara can make one of the greatest dresses of all time out of stupid curtains I should be able to make a rum cake! What does this debacle say about me as a person, as a Southern Belle? Failure I'm afraid...this is v. depressing.

Eva Mendes Has Amazing Style, or Stylist More Likely)

Calvin Klein

Jenni Kayne

Calvin Klein


Michael Kors

Bill Blass

I'm not sure if I could name a movie or television show Eva Mendes has been in but I'll tell you where she has been...in my fashion magazines! This girls got it going on. Her style is amazing and her stylist (I'm assuming) has recently picked out some of the most gorgeous red carpet dresses I have seen in a long time. How fortunate for Eva they all appear on her body! I find it very interesting that her stylist Estee Stanly is also the stylist for the Olsen twins, Demi Moore, Jessica Biel considering that most of them look trashy most of the time. Do I really have to go there with the Olsens? Yes, yes, homeless bag lady couture, we get it. No, seriously, we get it. It wasn't cute then, isn't cute now, but they occasionally pull off the upset gorgeous outfit, you can't deny they are gorgeous girls...the end. Jessica Biel on the other hand is incredibly unfortunate looking and seems to be the dress up doll for Stanley. Even with a great body and, I suppose some would say, hot boyfriend (JT), some people just aren't made for couture. She looks like Barbie trying to wear Chanel, it just doesn't work. Demi Moore, another homely specimen, does tend to pull it out on the red carpet but her casual "I'm married to Ashton Kutcher" look is horrid.

But way to go Estee Stanley...you've hit the nail on the head with Eva Mendez...keep the great looks coming!